If you are in a
relationship with a Narcissist, in his mind, you are an extension of him/her
and he/she must always win, so his/her eruptions of temper and ego and
devaluations and guilt are sharp and designed to cut you to the core, leaving
you wounded.
So, in an overall
sense, you will experience problems with his/her lack of honesty,
humility and empathy for your feelings.
Also, he/she will
have difficulties with intimacy with you. Honestly sharing
your thoughts, feelings and desires with each other makes the Narcissist very
scared and vulnerable, so he/she will avoid it.
He/she is unable to
relate to other people other than in terms of his own inflated self image and
his unrealistic projections of himself/herself onto others, so as his/her
partner you are expected to provide adulation and perfect responsiveness. When
you fail to do this, you can expect to be devalued, by raging, blaming or the
silent treatment.
These rapid
vacillations between absolutely overvaluing (and idealising) you, and
then completely devaluing you make a healthy relationship almost impossible to
sustain.
The best advice is
to be aware of and recognise what is happening and stand up for yourself on
each occasion. How effective this strategy will be will dependent on your
commitment to not back down, and his/her degree of Narcissism.
Most partners find
that standing up for themselves in the relationship is fraught with
difficulties, as often the Narcissist will double and treble his/her defensive
responses when you start to do so, in order for you to retreat to the way you
were, so realistically, most partners find that the support of a good
counsellor/Psychologist who understands these challenges is usually needed.
Can
your relationship be helped?
If both you and your
partner are committed to make your relationship a healthy and happy one, then I
believe this is worth working on.
Finding a
Psychologist who is familiar and experienced with these conditions is important
as Narcissism can be notoriously difficult to pick up in a few sessions if the
Psychologist is not trained in this. (Education on Narcissism is taught in
Psychology courses but does not fully explain the widespread occurrence of this
condition, and also the full ramifications of this, particularly to the
partner.
We at the Hart
Centre are committed to ongoing education and training in these areas and in
supporting you in managing yourself and your relationships.)
The success of relationship and marriage counselling
depends on many factors, but is largely due to the commitment of both
partners to see their patterns and contributions, and be willing to change.
Your partner’s ability to do this will depend on his level of Narcissism.
You will often not
know how willing you and your partner are to do this until you attempt to do
so. You will be able to see for yourselves over 3 to 6 sessions what
real effort each of you are putting in to see the problems, own your
contributions and make changes.
If, after reading
the information here, you feel you are definitely living with a Narcissist, I
suggest you come to the first session (or book a Skype
session) on your own.
If you feel your
first choice is to work on your relationship, then we can then follow this
first session with a session with your partner individually, then commence
couples sessions with both of you.
I also suggest that
there is a Plan B in place, so that after an agreed on number
of couples sessions, if you feel you are not achieving the changes and results
you want, then you continue coming to sessions on your own to look at your
options and be supported in doing your own work of rebuilding your Identity, boundaries
and possibly new life.
Relationship
and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 70
locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Find your nearest Psychologist from the Search box on the
right hand side of this page.
Cost: $150 ($170 for after hours sessions)
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Individual
Empowerment help for you as a Partner
You may choose to
come for individual sessions on your own, if you prefer to continue to stay in
the relationship and also work on your own self empowerment and assertiveness
in your sessions with the Psychologist. If your partner’s degree of Narcissism
is not severe and he/she is more benevolent, this can be worthwhile and helpful
to develop your capacity to find your own strength and hold your ground with
him/her.
If his/her degree of
Narcissism is more severe and you would like help in breaking away from
him/her, then we can assist and support you in doing so also. It can be a
profound act of self love to accept who he/she is and to step away for your own
well being.
As you leave a
Narcissist, most partners go through the 5 phases of grief: Denial, rage,
bargaining, sadness and acceptance.
Without the support of
a helping knowledgeable Professional, many partners find it
very difficult to get past the denial stage, or repeatedly
go back to their partner (in the bargaining stage), or can become stuck
in rage against their partner.
Additionally, it is
very easy to unwittingly “attract” another Narcissist into
your life in your next relationship if you haven’t been able to look at your
own patterns of why you have attracted, accommodated and tolerated this kind of
behaviour.
Therefore it is
important to understand, process and learn from this painful experience, so
that you are rewarded with a stronger sense of self, compassion for yourself,
and are able to move on to a mutually beneficial real loving relationship
in the future.
Our Personal
Empowerment/ Recovery program involves 12 steps:
1. Insight
and a thorough understanding of the dynamics of what has been
happening in your relationships.
2. Uncover and
express your feelings and have these feelings and experiences validated
by someone who understands what you have been experiencing.
3.
Process these emotions and recognise these patterns from past
relationships, including your parents, in order to clear them from
your subconscious patterns.
4. Discovering your
genuine needs and wants as an individual and in a
relationship.
5. Be aware of your
feelings and manage your emotional self on a daily basis.
6. Learn to build healthy
boundaries with others, where you care for but don’t take on emotional
responsibility for anyone other than yourself.
7. Rediscover your own
intuition and trust it again, rather than your partner’s negative
views of you.
8. Encouragement to believe
in yourself again and recognise your magnificence.
9. Recognising and managing
the desire to go back to the unhealthy Narcissist.
10. Help redesign
your life from the inside out, trusting in yourself and who you really
are.
11. Find the
Gift in this relationship for you. How have you grown in yourself as a
result of these experiences?
12. Moving onto a new
equal relationship ensuring a healthy love. Narcissist screening test,
and learn the ability to recognise the difference between real love and fake or
controlling love.
This Individual Program is available by our
trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone
or Skype Sessions – 50 mins. This program will take from 2 to 6 sessions,
depending on your needs and circumstances.
Cost: $150 ($170 for after hours sessions)
Phone 1300 830 552
to enquire or make
an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
